Mrs. Million Read online

  Mrs. Million

  A Novel

  Pete Hautman

  For MaryLouise

  Contents

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Chapter 38

  Chapter 39

  Chapter 40

  Chapter 41

  Chapter 42

  Chapter 43

  Chapter 44

  Chapter 45

  Chapter 46

  Chapter 47

  Acknowledgments

  Dear Mr. King,

  I recently read your book MISERY and it changed my life.

  Previous to reading MISERY I was deep in a Clinical Depression. My doctor prescribed Prozac but it made me sick. Also it was expensive. But the fact that I still have the use of my arms after the motorcycle accident where I ran off the road to avoid hitting a bus filled with innocent schoolchildren is a good thing. Life was very hard, for me after they amputated my legs, but all the innocent children survived!!!

  After my accident I struggled hard to find a purpose in life to go on living. The Clinical Depression made me extremely suicidal so I decided to take an overdose of drugs. But then I read your excellent and profound book, MISERY. Once I read MISERY I knew that life was worth living if only to read your other books. You are not merely Talented, you are a Great Writer!!! Maybe you know that already. I am inspired to read your other books. Unfortunatly, I am on an extremely limited budget. No one will hire me as I am a cripple now and the amount of money I get from also getting wounded fighting Saddam in the Gulf War is very poor. I hardly get enough for food and rent.

  Do you have any extra copies of any of your inspiring books? Preferably with your signature? I would be extremely grateful if you could spare some. Or if not, if you would send a donation in any amount, I could afford to buy them myself.

  Admiringly,

  Your biggest fan!!!

  Jonathan James Morrow

  1

  WHEN BARBARAANNETTE QUINN HEARD the Powerball numbers come over the radio she was busy decorating a Cowboy Cake for her niece, spelling out “Brittany” in pink script beneath a peanut-butter-frosting rendering of a cowboy hat.

  She was giving this cake her all because she could still remember her own seventh birthday party. Her mother had served Hostess chocolate cupcakes with the little corkscrew of icing on top. No candles. Her birthday present that year had been a Star Trek metal lunchbox. She still had it. According to Schroeder’s Antiques Price Guide, it was worth more than five hundred dollars, but what she remembered most was that she had not gotten a real birthday cake.

  Barbaraannette did not know how her niece had become interested in cowboys. Possibly some old Bonanza rerun off the satellite dish. She hoped the girl would outgrow them. Cowboys were trouble.

  But this year Britty would get her cake, a three-layer devil’s food covered with dark brown chocolate frosting and topped with a peanut butter cowboy hat and her name in pink frosting, all surrounded by a peanut butter frosting lasso. Barbaraannette would have drawn a horse, too, but she did not think her artistic skills were up to it.

  When she heard the Powerball numbers coming over the radio—2, 4, 10, 19, 29, and 16—she stopped moving for several seconds, then took a breath and fitted a fluted nozzle onto her cake decorator and applied a pink scalloped ridge around the base of the cake. It wasn’t an authentic cowboy touch, but she had a lot of frosting left and besides, in addition to cowboys, Brittany adored all things pink.

  The lottery numbers were interesting because 10-29, 2-19, and 4-16 were the birthdays of relatives, specifically, those of her sister Toagie, their mother, Hilde, and Toagie’s daughter, Brittany. They were especially interesting because Barbaraannette always based her weekly Powerball numbers on family birthdays. But with two sisters, two nieces, and a nephew, she could not for the life of her remember whose birthdays she had chosen for her most recent ticket.

  Barbaraannette set aside the cake decorator and regarded her work. Using the handle of a teaspoon, she touched up a stray glob of pink frosting. Brittany probably would not have noticed the tiny flaw, but there was no point in doing half a job.

  The Powerball ticket she had purchased last Sunday at the Pump-n-Munch waited in the purse hanging from the knob on the kitchen door, not six feet from her elbow. Barbaraannette was powerfully curious to have a look at that ticket, but she took a few more minutes to press seventeen tiny cinnamon hearts into the band of the peanut butter cowboy hat. She knew that if she looked at that ticket now, and it was a winner, her hands would be shaking so hard she would never be able to finish decorating that cake. She placed the hearts carefully, spreading them out nice and even. Britty loved little cinnamon hearts.

  After positioning the final heart, Barbaraannette washed her hands, then placed a clear plastic cake protector over her creation. She lifted her purse from the doorknob and fished the lottery ticket from the inside pocket. Before reading the numbers, she took one last look at the Cowboy Cake. Britty was going to love it.

  2

  TOAGIE CARLSON STOOD in her sister’s kitchen staring wordlessly at the Cowboy Cake beneath the sparkling plastic dome. Barbaraannette had outdone herself.

  “Barbaraannette?” Toagie called. Her thin, ragged voice echoed through the house. No response. Strange. Toagie lifted the pack of Salems from the elastic waistband of her purple sweatpants and shook out a cigarette.

  Barbaraannette, the cake, and Britty’s birthday present from her mom and dad—this year a two-foot-tall barn Bill had built to house her plastic horse collection—were due at Britty’s party in less than ten minutes. The toy horse barn was in Barbaraannette’s garage, wrapped and ready to go, and so was the cake—but where was Barbaraannette? It wasn’t like her to be anywhere other than where she was supposed to be. Toagie walked down the hall to her sister’s bedroom and called out, “Barbaraannette? You in there?”

  No reply. Very strange indeed, and a little frightening. Toagie fixed the unlit cigarette between her lips, stabbed her long fingers into her sprawling mop and clawed at her scalp. Her hair this week was the exact color of a not-quite-ripe banana, right down to the faint green highlights. Had Barbaraannette forgotten Britty’s party? Not likely, what with that cake sitting so pretty on her kitchen counter. Had she forgotten that Toagie had planned to stop by and help her carry the cake and the toy barn to her house, one and one half blocks up the street, where Britty and her friends were waiting? Not Barbaraannette. Toagie returned to the kitchen, turned on one of the gas burners, lit her Salem, took a huge calming lungful of smoke. She raised her voice loud enough to penetrate every wall of the house.

  “Barbaraannette!”

  She listened, then heard a sound something like the peeping of a baby robin. But it was too early in the season for baby robins. Piles of dirty snow still dotted the street corners and the ea
rth too frozen for worm-picking. Also, the sound seemed to be coming from the basement door, which she now noticed was cocked open. Toagie gripped her necklace, a collection of brightly colored exotic seeds strung on a nylon cord. Leaning into the stairwell she called out, “Barbaraannette, is that you down there?”

  “I’m here,” came Barbaraannette’s quiet voice.

  Toagie clomped down the stairs, necklace rattling, Salem clenched in her teeth. She found her sister sitting on an upended five-gallon bucket that had once contained Amway laundry detergent, her posture excellent as usual, blinking her eyes, staring at the chest freezer.

  “Are you okay?” Toagie demanded.

  Barbaraannette nodded, then said, “No.”

  Toagie knelt and looked up into her sister’s face. Where Toagie’s features were large, mobile, asymmetrical, and rather out of her control, Barbaraannette’s were neatly arrayed and centered on her broad, Irish-looking face. Her mouth was small, but perfectly shaped. Her slightly upturned, almond-shaped eyes were an unusually deep shade of blue—they reminded Toagie of Tidy-Bowl. During the summer Barbaraannette would display a galaxy of freckles, but now, after a long winter, her ivory skin was smooth and unmarked but for a single lozenge-shaped mole high on her left cheek. Toagie thought her sister to be quite beautiful.

  “B.A.? What’s a matter, hon?” She felt scared. Barbaraannette was one of the cornerstones of Toagie’s universe.

  “What are you doing here?” asked Barbaraannette, blinking at the cloud of mentholated smoke that had accompanied Toagie down the steps.

  “I came to help you carry the cake and horse barn, hon.”

  “Oh.” Barbaraannette looked at Toagie and smiled. “Toag, I think I won it. Will you look and see if I really won it?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “I think I won the Powerball, Toag. I think I won it. I think I won the thing.”

  Toagie’s mouth went slack and the cigarette dropped to the floor. She stood up and staggered back, catching herself on the freezer.

  Barbaraannette’s right foot ground out the burning cigarette. She said, “Look at the ticket for me, would you, Toag?”

  Toagie said, “Ticket?” Numbness descended upon her.

  “Just take one good look at it and tell me if the numbers are your birthday, Mama’s, and Britty’s.”

  Toagie blanked for a moment, then recalled her sister’s custom of basing her lottery picks on family birthdays. “Where is it?” Toagie asked.

  “I put it in the freezer.”

  “You froze it?” She turned and looked down at the white top of the chest freezer.

  “After I looked at and saw the numbers I got scared. I didn’t know what else to do, Toag. It’s in a Tupperware marked ‘hot dish.’”

  “You put it in Tupperware? You froze it? Criminentlies, Barbaraannette, why’d you go and do that?”

  Barbaraannette shook her head and smiled, her usually small mouth stretching across a third of her face. “I kept thinking, what if the house burns down? Then it came in my head to put it in the freezer to keep it safe, so that’s what I did.”

  Toagie put her hand on the freezer handle. She looked back at her sister and said, “You know I think you’re out of your fleeping mind, doncha?”

  Barbaraannette’s smile grew impossibly wider. “Toag, if those numbers are what I read them to be, I don’t believe I give a damn what anybody thinks.”

  3

  THE LONGEST HOURS OF her life, Barbaraannette thought, were those spent at her niece’s birthday party—seven shrieking sugar-charged kids—all the while feeling that Powerball ticket wrapped in Saran Wrap and stuck to her right buttock. Toagie had laughed at her when she’d stashed the ticket in her undies, but Barbaraannette had said, “It’s nine million dollars, Toag. Shut up.”

  It took the girls two hours to play their games and open presents and eat their cake. Barbaraannette was too keyed up to eat any herself. She sat in a chair with the ticket stuck to her butt hoping her body heat wouldn’t fade the numbers. She did her best to act interested when Britty showed off her presents but all she could think about was the time.

  When she’d called the phone number on the ticket, the woman at the Minnesota State Lottery Headquarters in the Twin Cities, seventy miles from Cold Rock, told her she could bring it in anytime before 6:00 P.M. Otherwise she’d have to wait till Monday. Barbaraannette didn’t think she could wait till Monday. She was afraid the ticket would somehow change, or be stolen, or that she would wake up. She was too nervous to drive herself, and she wasn’t ready to share the news with anyone else, so she’d had to sit through Britty’s party, waiting for Toagie. In that time she imagined several hundred things that might prevent her from realizing her good fortune.

  They were now headed south on I-35 in Toagie’s battered and sputtering minivan, twenty miles to go. Brittany curled up in the back, sleeping off her sugar buzz. Barbaraannette kept herself busy imagining a variety of fatal highway accidents. The way her sister drove, it was easy.

  “What’s the first thing you’re gonna do?” Toagie asked, passing a Green Giant semi on the right.

  Barbaraannette cringed, envisioning death beneath ten tons of frozen broccoli.

  Toagie laughed. “You want to get there by six, right?” She swerved onto the shoulder to miss a dead skunk, then back into the right lane. “So what are you gonna do with the money?”

  Barbaraannette willed her fingers to unclench. “I don’t know, Toag.” Her leg was cramping from stomping on a brake pedal that was not there.

  “You gonna buy a new car?”

  “My car’s not that old.”

  “Well you have to buy something. I mean, jeez. All that money? Nine million? You know what I’d do? I’d buy a horse.” A red car pulled out onto the freeway a quarter mile ahead. Barbaraannette pumped her imaginary brake pedal; Toagie sped up and switched lanes.

  “I might invest it in something,” Barbaraannette said. “Maybe buy some stocks. Buy some stock in Green Giant. Everybody eats broccoli.”

  “Bill doesn’t,” Toagie said, referring to her occasionally employed husband.

  “Maybe I’ll invest in a beer company, then.”

  Toagie laughed, but it sounded forced. Barbaraannette instantly regretted her comment. Things had been rough for Toagie and Bill the past few years.

  “I don’t know what I’m going to do, Toag. You know what I keep thinking, though? I keep thinking about Bobby.”

  “You think about Bobby way too much.”

  “I wonder what he’ll think if he hears I got rich.”

  “He’ll wish he’d never left you, that’s for sure.”

  “I don’t know.” Barbaraannette called up an image of Bobby Quinn’s face and felt the empty space he’d left inside her. “Six years, who knows what he’s been doing. If he’s even alive. I think about him sitting in some cabin in Alaska. He used to talk about Alaska a lot. He thought you could go there and find gold.”

  “He thought a lot of things. That man made my Bill look like the Rock of Gribalcher.”

  “Gibraltar.”

  “Whatever. If you can’t get your mind off him maybe you oughta take some of that money and get yourself a shrink.”

  Barbaraannette looked out at the passing landscape, fields of black dirt, here and there a pile of snow. Not as much snow as they had up in Cold Rock, though. Spring came a week or two earlier to the Twin Cities.

  She’d been thinking about Bobby a lot, lately. Maybe she should use some of the money to hire another private detective, try to find him, see if he wanted to come home. She’d tried it once before, but the guy had got nowhere, just wasted her money. The thought of Bobby returning set off a whirlwind of confused thoughts, memories of her wedding, Bobby’s grin, his thick hair, making love, watching him sleep—Toagie was talking again, something about boats.

  “What’s that?” said Barbaraannette.

  “I said, you could buy a boat.”


  “What would I want a boat for?” They had turned off the free-way—when had that happened?

  “You could go sailing.”

  Barbaraannette shook her head. If Toagie had won the lottery the money would be gone by the end of the week. “It’s supposed to be right up here,” she said. “The woman said you could almost see it from the highway.”

  “There it is.” Toagie pointed toward a glass-fronted two-story building. A sign affixed to the wide, white fascia read MINNESOTA STATE LOTTERY. She turned into the parking lot. A white van topped by a thirty-foot-high telescoping pole was parked near the entrance. The top of the pole carried a complicated-looking array of disks and antennae. The lettering on the side of the van read: EYEWITNESS NEWS.

  Toagie pulled into a parking slot. “Looks like you get to be on TV,” she said.

  Barbaraannette licked her lips. Her mouth was dry and her in-sides were buzzing.

  Brittany, still wearing her paper tiara from the party, woke up and inserted herself between the two front seats. “Where are we?”

  “We’re at the lottery headquarters, honey,” said Toagie.

  “What for?”

  “We’re here so your aunt can pick up a check, honey.”

  Brittany said, looking at her aunt, “How come she’s breathing so funny?” Barbaraannette was staring at the TV truck, one hand at her throat, breathing rapidly.

  “You okay?” Toagie asked.

  Barbaraannette nodded, forced a deep breath into her lungs, held it for a moment, blew it out. “I’m fine.”

  “How come you look so funny?” Britty asked. “Are you gonna cry?”

  Barbaraannette shook her head, still staring at the TV truck.

  4

  PHLOX WAS SAYING HOW if a person took every nickel they ever earned and put it all into lottery tickets they would have a better shot at getting rich than if they just went along living from paycheck to paycheck clipping coupons and buying generic at the Safeway and hoping a rich uncle they didn’t know they had was about to die, because with the lottery a person would get all the money at once. That was the idea. You put money in and in and in, and then one day it all comes out in a rush, the way a piggy bank explodes when it gets too full.